Angsty coyote warning

[chipotle]

I'm going to break my unofficial rule about not posting when I'm depressed. (Not that I haven't broken it before.)

It's not a particularly serious depression, mind you, and a lot of the reasons I've written about before. But I'm feeling--not for the first time--well, somewhat taken for granted. Not by everyone, mind you--there's been a few wonderful, mental-health-saving exceptions like Jadedfox. But between various things that imply I'm not considered truly "on the team" at work and signals that seem to be sending a subtle but intentional message of you can hang out with this circle but remember you're not part of it, it's easy to fall into a bad mindset. If I just drove off into the desert, who would notice before I started missing bill payments?

I realize I've been flirting with this mindset for a couple months, too, which--well, either it depresses me more, or it irks me. I'm not sure which. It makes one paranoid. I don't like to think of myself as somebody who needs external validation, but it's hard not to notice when you seem to always be one of the "and others whose names escape me" in lists of friends. This was the first year that AC was a bit of a downer for me, and it's difficult for me to know how much of that was due to my own physical lack of energy and how much really might have been due to me not being someone most others are that interested in meeting/seeing.

I know, objectively, I'm not an easy person to get to know. Not that I'm difficult to approach, but I tend to be quiet in person, at least until I'm comfortable with someone, and I tend to only be open to a point. Sentiments like I miss you and I love you and even You're really fun to be with don't pass too easily from me (even when typed rather than verbalized). I don't like being emotional. Sometimes this serves me well (recently it's kept me from following up other people's hotheaded journal posts with acidic replies), but I know it can be a hindrance rather than a help. And this may be an unrelated concern to the ones above--but it's hard for me to tell.

They say you shouldn't make any "life decisions" when you're aware you're depressed. I can see why. It's hard to tell much of anything... beyond, of course, that you're depressed.

Even so, it's difficult not to think I need to make some kind of change again. Not a radical one, necessarily, but a change nonetheless.

Comments

[brahma-minotaur.livejournal.com]

Well, I hope you realize the fact that you were one of the reasons why AC was so special. I enjoy chatting with you about anything under the sun.

You are not on my "and others whose names escape me" list. I know at least four of your names. ;)

If you need me, you know how to reach me.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

Okay, I've been bad about not going out to some meal with you... Heck, I haven't gone out to a meal with anyone in months and it's starting to bug me!

Not that I'm being antisocial, I go to a weekend movie pretty regularly with boingdragon ... But food is a good thing and I don't have much of an excuse to enjoy it without friends to go with.

Anyway, I can sympathize with your entry here. The only reason I know I'm loved around here is because they love working us engineers hard. :)

[prickvixen.livejournal.com]

I can only speak of my experiences in an online roleplaying environment... in it, I often have to make sure I'm not sucking up to you, or jumping all over your conversation, because I'm that keen on being involved in whatever you're doing. Generally I want people to get lost, even when I'm out looking for company, but I don't think I've ever had that feeling about you. You're fun and interesting to talk to. If I left the house, I'd probably want to hang around with you in real life. Then again, my opinions and tastes have little to do with those of people in general, so maybe I'm an aberration. :)

As for work, fuck it. Co-workers aren't real, they're just a way of conceptualizing manhours. :)

[duncanroo.livejournal.com]

This is one of those "should I or shouldn't I respond?" type of responses. As you can see, I voted "should." But after a bit of thought.

I definitely like and respect you, but I can't say I've ever really "clicked" with you in any sort of in-person type gathering, or even in an online RP setting. I guess it could be my fault for not really having much interesting to say, or having much in common beyond the circles and themes we both hang out in.

At the very least, you're not one of those "and others whose names escape me" type people to me, because I do know you. In fact, at AC, every time I saw you and passed you by I was thinking, "Damn, I really should stop and say hi or something," but I always stopped myself because I just don't know what to say to you beyond "hello." I suck at small talk when there's not much in common to talk about. :)

So, at the very least, I apologize for not being very social with you during Anthrocon. It's definitely not because I didn't want to. It's because I didn't know how to.

-- Duncan

[bfdragon.livejournal.com]

I wasn’t at AC, but I enjoyed talking to you at FC. That was a good chat, what brief time we did talk, and it was a nice way to wind down the con.

As for the bit about posting replies when your feeling rather emotional about a subject, I know just what you are coming from. I often have to sort of remind myself not to reply when I’m feeling upset by something. For one, you tend not to make good arguments when your emotional, and secondly, you sort of just realize it probably won’t make any difference anyway. I do like seeing your posts though; it’s nice to see there are a few out there with similar views, that seem well thought out and well written.

- Talos

Well,

[kiarrh.livejournal.com]

I definitely know how quiet you are - when Dusty mentioned to me that you remembered me, I nearly fell over in shock, because we'd said so little to each other despite running with The Menagerie that I didn't know you knew who I was. And because you give off a very 'quiet philosopher' vibe, imho, I was fairly sure I'd insult you by speaking to you uninvited (me? Ego/self-importance issues? Whodathunkit?)

That being said, I sit in quiet awe of you, and would -love- a chance to get to know you better. Not through Dusty, but personally. If you're agreeable.

[rancourt.livejournal.com]

It's taken a little getting used to, possibly because I'm the diametric opposite (and tend to drive people off by being so direct, vocal, and blunt about what's on my mind), but I've found the journey a very, very rewarding one thus far.

I'm pretty sure you'd be dearly missed, my friend. I suspect more people are quietly amazed by you than you realize -- more often than not, people aren't sure what precisely to say to reach out to you, since you seem to 'not react' when they do. In truth, I suspect, it's that a very small reaction is a very big deal from you, and people simply need to get used to that, and recognize your responses for what they are.

I still stand by my belief that the world would be a much sadder, darker, and most wonderful place without you, and I'm certain I'm not the only person who thinks so.

[rancourt.livejournal.com]

LESS wonderful. LESS wonderful. I note I can't edit this reply, but I assure you, that was NOT a Freudian slip.

(too tired to post first thing in the morning)

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I would certainly miss you. :)

I do think that people fear to "bother" you, though, which might explain why so few people approach you. Not because you give off "you are evil go away" vibes, but because the clues that you're enjoying yourself in someone's company are so subtle that they're easy to miss. Most people will stay away if they feel like you're not happy to hang out with them.

Might be the lack of positive feedback thing. Not that you have to go around hugging people and crowing "I love you!" and other things, but occasional signs of positive engagement are probably good. :)

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed seeing you at Anthrocon, and I miss you now that I'm not online the same places you are, usually.

[chipotle.livejournal.com]

I've been excessively lackadaisical in getting together with folks outside a small circle, one that's been partially defined by simple proximity, which I should really try to expand again. I suspect that's just basic inertia on my part--my circle of friends in Tampa changed very little since the mid-'90s, and for better or worse (maybe better and worse?) I didn't have to put much effort into socializing because of that. I may just be trying to relearn basic but very rusty social skills...

Getting together would be a good thing.

[chipotle.livejournal.com]

You can certainly stop and say hi. We might both then kind of fidget because I suck at small talk, too, but, hey. :)

As for online, most of my characters don't see you too much. One I suspect you don't know I play has interacted with Duncan a few times, though. (Nothing particularly outrageous, mind you, but more than just waving 'hi' as they pass by.)

[chastmastr.livejournal.com]

MORE hugs...

You could always come visit here...

Re: Well,

[chipotle.livejournal.com]

It's difficult to insult me unless you pour root beer over my head or something. I'm not particularly awe-inspiring, either, though. :) I didn't connect too well with the Menagerie crowd in general, I don't think, for a variety of reasons, most of which traced back directly or indirectly to Becky. Capricia and I have gotten to know each other a bit through other settings. (Looking back, I probably met her husband--just in passing--before I met any of the Menagerie folk who weren't originally from Sarasota, since back then he was one of Bart Fox's friends.)

I'd certainly like to get to know you better, yes. You're someone I wished I'd met more than in passing.

[chipotle.livejournal.com]

This is true, and I'm aware that at Anthrocon this year I wasn't giving off very positive vibes about much of anything due to the cold. I suspect most of the time I looked like I'd been propped up with a stick.

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

Feel the same, know what you mean.

Know exactly what you mean.

Had a long discussion online, would anyone care if I left, would anyone miss me? Maybe. The friends I want to hang out with are always leaving, or sending the slightly stronger "No, you may know us and all our friends, but we don't want you hanging around" signals. But online is online. Offline, yeah, the bill collectors might care sooner than most of the people who know me.

Must agree: You don't hang out well. Thinking back over the RL occasions we've been together, the impression is that the bulk of the times you didn't enjoy my company more often than you did. Granted, the worse ones are older, but still...

It's the magic bell, it's the sucky time of the year come late for some reason. Everyone and everything is shitty. Have some pasta, drink a lot of wine, go to bed early for a week and ride a bicycle. It's not a really great solution, I know, but it somewhat works.

[duncanroo.livejournal.com]

I'm actually not surprised. I'm pretty ignorant when it comes to knowing people's alts, and I wouldn't have it any other way. What's the point of knowing that "the player who's X character is also Y character and Z character." Telling me these facts partially ruins the mystery and fantasy.

Anonymity is half the fun.

-- Duncan

[traveller-blues.livejournal.com]

In my case, it's a matter of being on a shoestring budget while being moved all the way over to the other end of the Bay. As I said to someone else recently, "It's really hard to be social when you've got $5 and half a tank of gas that has to get you through the rest of this week and into the next."

I have the firm belief that I'd be more social if I had more disposable income to be social with -- and letting people treat me to things is not an option I am comfortable with.

That being said; I do miss ya. You're one of the better roleplayer/writer folk I know, and despite what you might think, you -are- fun to hang around, IMHO, even without Mirage feeding us strange things to say to you.

-Traveller.

[chipotle.livejournal.com]

I've generally enjoyed your company after you moved to Florida, we just generally didn't hang out much, period. I attribute that as much to us never being that close in a geographic sense as anything else. (Despite my habit of driving around a lot, I didn't really see the Orlando crowd much, particularly those farther east than Disney.)

If I seemed kind of subdued at AC, it's because I was. That didn't have to do with the company, though. I wish I'd been energetic enough most of the con to merely seem quiet rather than comatose.

[twentythoughts.livejournal.com]

While it's hard to say anything that hasn't been said already: I don't see you around all too much (at least as the alts I know you play), but I do know that I like you.

[impytoes.livejournal.com]

I think you are cute.

... concerned friend...

[khromat.livejournal.com]

In spite of being someone with the opposite problem, I can still sympathize with your feelings.

You remind me a good deal of my coug'r: perhaps because of that, I've not been as active a friend to you as I might with others for fear of scaring you off. That includes not gushing about how I love your stories, or enjoy the characters you create -- fanboy behaviors I have problems dealing with myself and wouldn't want to make anyone else uncomfortable about by doing the same to others.

The occassional depression is normal for everyone: a reaction to external pressures and internal worries. But for an introvert like yourself, depression can drag on far longer than is healthy and you wouldn't necessarily recognize it because of your normal introspective nature. Don't assume this is going to go away naturally, see someone about it.

Whether or not you think you're a forgotten name, the fact is that many people know you are the writer behind some wonderfully interesting stories. They may not recognize you by face, but then again you don't go out of your way to be noticed. And if you don't mind getting pounce-hugged every so often by a crazy khromat, just let me know, eh? I'm afraid of breaking you on those infrequent occassions I get to see you. :D

Re: ... concerned friend...

[chipotle.livejournal.com]

I've been depressed before. I should probably be better about taking, and continuing to take, St. John's Wort, which does help as long as I'm following good protocol with it--but what helps the most is forcing myself to push out of bad routines.

Really, I don't think I'm a forgotten name. Less known proportionately now than I might have been a decade ago in the fandom, certainly, but that happens--and I don't have much of a way to measure who's seeing my stuff on the net now anyway. My worries tend to be more about fading into the background in person. It's quite possible, thinking about it, that this is more a side effect of the move than anything else--despite knowing more people in the general area than I did in Tampa, I actually see fewer people, something I need to be more active about changing than I have been.

And, no, I don't mind getting pounce-hugged, even if I may get an 'eep' expression. I'm not as demonstrative as I could (and probably should) be, but on the flip side, I'm not that easy to scare off. :)

[kareem.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything prolific to say and, I didn't want to be flip and say what those guys said!. But, genuinely, what those guys said.