(no subject)

[chipotle]

Okay, so I've had a miserable week without being able to define why it's miserable. So I'll take a stab at a definition: the accumulated weight of small things.

My dislike for my job is well-documented here, so I won't belabor it. (In fairness I like my co-workers a lot. I just don't like the company or the work environment.) My search for other employment has so far just led to dead ends. I've accumulated a lot of story notes over the year, but have no writing to show for it.

More prosaically, my apartment is still a mess and getting messier. My finances have also been a mess since I got a new car. I need to make time to take said new car to the dealer for its first service, which is either 900 or 3400 miles overdue depending on which paper I read. It's been hard to make time for Christmas shopping and none of the presents I have are wrapped. I didn't get cards out to half the people I should have.

And every day I feel aggravated with work before lunch, ready to rip off people's heads by quitting time--and then I have a 30-45 minute commute home depending on traffic. (Doesn't sound like much? Tampa has the second highest traffic fatalities of all the nation's metro areas. A commute from one side of the county to the other, literally through downtown, is not a relaxing drive.) So when I get home I just want to relax. And on weekends, I want to escape. I can't take time off for vacation--I don't have the time left.

Which, of course, means that the small things accumulating don't get worked on like they should. They just keep accumulating. It's at a point now--a pyschological point, granted--where everything is irritating. In better times I can relax roleplaying or chatting 'out of character' online. Very rarely, I find myself in a state where merely connecting can make my mood go from melancholy to sour. I'm in one of those states. Being told I never seemed happy didn't help, even though the comment was made by a friend with the best of intentions.

I've been attracted to Taoism and Zen Buddhism for years. (My primary online persona is something of a 'casual shaman,' with a very Zen outlook on the world.) Dealing with problems calmly has been a personal ideal--in times of stress I'm prone to panic, anger, or despair, especially if it's stress due to errors I've made. I don't like that side of me. I like being calm. It helps me, and when others have problems, it helps them--and I've played confidante, counselor or just good listener to a lot of people, both online and off.

Two people have told me that I seem distant and unemotional--at least online, where their interaction with me is mostly through the filter of "Chipotle," the character I mentioned above. Yet she smiles, laughs, jokes, teases--most of the time. She's been subdued recently because I'm not a good enough actor to project an energy level I don't have. Or so I think. I can't help but wonder: am I misremembering the times that I thought she was obviously happy? Or is the trick of memory being played on my friends--because I haven't been happy lately, the times I have been have become difficult for some of them to remember?

I'd expected 2001 to be a year of changes; looking back I see it's a year of turbulent transition, and I'm still not sure where it's leading. Whether or not it makes me seem distant, I need a little more Zen in my life, a little more grounding, less worrying and more simply doing. Yet at the same time I need a direction.

I believe everyone in life has a calling--but I don't believe that everyone, or even most of us, find ours. Most of us are willing to settle for an occupation we can live with. That's what I did with Intermedia. It's what I was trying to do with NetPoodles. The lesson seems to be that you'd better shoot for the high targets: if you fall short, at least you'll be closer to them than if you started out by aiming low.

On most days if you asked me, I'd say my calling was to be a writer. Sometimes I'd say just a fiction writer. Sometimes I'd say any kind of writing--I enjoy technical writing, too, when I've done it. Of course, I've also enjoyed editing, and I still enjoy typography and print/web layout design. And at least some of the time I enjoy the puzzles in data mining and programming.

My current temporary frustrations will pass. The holiday ones can't last much longer by definition, and I will get a handle on the apartment upkeep again even if it takes a bulldozer. But as I move into 2002, I think the question of the year--or of the life--is going to be: do I try to move toward my calling? Even if it means taking a pay cut? Moving? Giving up both evenings out and evenings spent just relaxing online or in front of the TV?

Or do I settle for the next NetPoodles?

Comments

*smile*

[rancourt.livejournal.com]

Hey there, my friend. Very, very happy to find you on LJ.

As usual, there's so much in what you write that I doubt I could begin to approach it all without replying an essay's worth...let me touch simply upon one point, which I hope will be of some perspective for you.

You do indeed come across as 'distant' or 'aloof' to the unfamiliar audience. Not simply as Chipotle -- it's simply how you are. I spent a great many hours overanalyzing this quality of yours when we first got to know one another, worrying that I'd offended you if you fell silent, or didn't reply as verbosely or conversationally as I expected. I assumed you thought dimly of me, or at least dimly of my ideas or methods of expression.

Over time and reflection, I came to see things differently. I realized that you were a very direct, very straightforward person, and that the art of expressing yourself conversationally was as subtle and delicate an art for you as expressing yourself creatively. You move slowly and carefully...and very, very precisely. You speak with a very Zen manner -- your words are exact, minimal, and elegant.

I think that intimidates some people; I know it used to intimidate me, and once in a while it still does. To the insecure, the uncertain, to those who look outward for validation, you give very little. Our shared social circle, as an example, is full of insecure and self-conscious people, many of whom are socially shy and hoping for a great deal of encouragement to come out of their shells. You don't readily offer it. You don't enter the dance of emotionally-stilted posturing that, to some degree, all people are touched by.

Everyone, even the most confident and self-assured person, somewhere inside wants to be liked, noticed, appreciated and valued. In the MTV world around us of ridiculously loud social stimulus (of which I am, beyond a doubt, a gross national exporter), you are the quiet lilt of a shakuhachi the ear has to strain to hear.

And on the flip side of this coin...it's a voicing of worry. When you seem upset and tense and unhappy, your friends want to pull you closer to them, not allow you to drift further away. If I had a nickel for every time I've said that I wished I could help make things a little less harried for you, I'd be retired by now. Ultimately, all your friends can really do is stand by the sidelines and keep speaking up, in some small way, to let you know they care. Sometimes 'you're being aloof' really means 'you're drawing inward and I feel powerless to help you with the issues causing it...please know I want you to be happy, even if I can only express it by being worried and upset with your worry and upset.'

It doesn't surprise me to imagine you come across this way...but in my opinion, the same things that make you feel sometimes aloof and distant are what make you such an admirable and beautiful person. Your words and feeling are gently voiced but very, very clear and distinct. I know that you mean what you say, I've learned not to expect the 'layers' of social kabuki and pantomime when we talk. I find you fantastically, overwhelmingly refreshing in this respect. You mean exactly what you say, and say exactly what you mean. I would guess that anyone who knows you to any degree has similar thoughts to these...or at least has answered these questions about you, and accepted these answers, in their own way.

You get to be down, frustrated and low-energy. I don't think anyone would grudge you that, much as we wish we could be of more meaningful help in your journey and wish you all the happiness life has to offer.

If I've committed a faux pas by replying here -- some people prefer no replies, I know -- feel free to delete this reply, I'll understand.

Hang in there my friend. Come hell or Des Moines, this too shall pass.